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« BACK   Before Aish HaTorah, gay men and women had been frequenting similar types of events. Rafael Reisenberg is the 44-year-old founder of Date Bait. Operating solely in New York State and catering to gay, lesbian, and straight singles, Date Bait began in October 1996. (I participated in one of its events during the summer of 2001, when I was living in Brooklyn.) Unlike speed dating, it offers group interaction (not one-on-one dates), although it does offer anonymous and synchronized matchmaking events.

So why do these speed-dating companies trace their lineage solely to Aish HaTorah? "Well, before SpeedDating was established, Aish HaTorah was already established as a nationwide company," Reisenberg notes. "So once their L.A. branch started it, they could really spread the idea quickly. All the other ones that have come since then are following the SpeedDating format."

Aish HaTorah trademarked the term "SpeedDating" (capital "S," capital "D," no space), but it couldn't patent the format, nor could it patent the consecutive use of the words "speed" and "dating." In 2001 8minuteDating, then HurryDate, FastDater (also in South Florida), and Pre-Dating first set their numbered placards on tables for two, and the speed-dating industry was born.

"Kevin," a 33-year-old relay dater who works in retail management, first learned about speed dating on Oprah. "The topic of the show was women who have a hard time meeting a quality man. And I thought, 'Hmmm, that's kind of interesting.'"

Kevin says he's tried everything -- "bars, clubs, blind dates. It's kind of hard to meet somebody you want to connect with. You can have quantity but you won't find a lot of quality."

Though he has realistic expectations for this event, Kevin says he always has his eye out for the person with whom he is going to spend the rest of his life. "I think that's the one thing we all really want. Gay or straight."

- Pre-Dating -

With dates that last six minutes apiece, Pre-Dating president Vince Gelormine thinks his events are a compromise between HurryDate and 8minuteDating. "In three minutes it's hard to get past the small talk," he says. "It's okay for a younger crowd, but the older you go the less they like the three minutes. If you go beyond six minutes, it starts getting too long. Plus with the eight-minute dating you don't get to meet every person in the room."

Gelormine, who is based out of Broward County, ran his first event in Fort Lauderdale in December 2001. Of the three big speed-dating companies, Pre-Dating offers the greatest variety of dating events in South Florida. "If there's one thing I've learned," Gelormine declares, "it's that everyone has preferences."

Over the next month or so Pre-Dating will host events for black women/white men as well as white women/black men. His most popular event is older women/younger men. He also has a category for "plus-size admirers" as well as tall women/tall men.

"The bottom line is that a woman who is six feet tall has a heck of a time finding men her size. Where else can she find someone who is single, professional, in her geography, in her age range, and her height? And how long would that take her to come into contact with that? What's that worth? I think we provide a great service for the price."

Gelormine is possibly the speed-dating CEO with the most personal dating experience, which may be why he has such insightful observations about the behavior of people at these events. He says the three reasons people don't try speed dating are: ego ("I don't need the help"), a lack of self-confidence ("I don't want to go and be rejected potentially by a dozen people"), and fear of the unknown. "The quality of people who go to these events is high," he notes. "But if you don't go, you never know. That's the key. Getting them to try it."

According to Gelormine, men especially don't realize how attractive the women are. But once they show up, more than 90 percent circle yes to at least one date. And many return.

Gelormine adds that psychological issues are definitely a factor he takes into consideration: "At the event, for example, we position the tables in such a way so the man is always approaching the woman. It's just a slight little thing -- but women tend to prefer not being snuck up on."

Women, he says, also appreciate not having to come up with ways to reject men, because all they have to do is answer discreetly on the sheet, as is the case with all speed-dating events.

"The guys need tips. There are a lot more areas where men can go wrong," Gelormine concedes. "Like talking too much about themselves or talking about past relationships. I'll tell you the biggest mistake guys make: As soon as they sit down, within 20 or 30 seconds they know whether or not they're circling yes. They see how she looks, gauge her voice and how she speaks -- and they know. So what do they do? They start selling themselves. They talk all about themselves because they already know they're saying yes to her. After six minutes the guys leave, having talked all about themselves -- and the women circle no. Most guys aren't all about themselves, but at these events people tend to extrapolate small things about who you are."

The more relaxed and confident a man is, the more yes votes he'll receive, says Gelormine, who has noticed that men repeat the process more than women do. Women tend to go about three or four times and then stop, but if men come back, they return an indefinite number of times. "Men look at dating as a numbers game, and this does help you even the odds. They'll repeat because they see the potential."

So why do women stop after three or four times? Says John Warburton: "If that's his data, that makes sense. If people don't have what I am going to call, for lack of a better term, an 'aha!' experience, they'll give it up. The females are much more oriented to the emotional experience, and it's harder to have an emotional 'aha!' experience, especially in those circumstances. Whereas the men are more oriented to the physical."

In other words, if a man sees women who are attractive at these events -- and aha!, he will -- he knows it's just a matter of time before he clicks with one of them. Whereas a woman going into the event may be looking to -- aha! -- click with someone right away. If she doesn't, she may eventually stop going.

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miaminewtimes.com | originally published: July 3, 2003

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